So if you take Roger Ebert’s word for it, Transformers 2 probably signals the end of Western civilization. It’s so bloated that the blockbuster model will surely collapse on itself. I wouldn’t go quite that far, since the AV Club made the same assessment of the first movie and somehow the sequel managed to be bigger, louder, and more mindless.

However, I also wouldn’t say that TF2 a very good movie. Here are my pros and cons list:

CONS:

• Let’s get it out of the way: Skids & Mudflap were disturbing. It’s almost like Michael Bay was daring us to stir up controversy. I mean, every other robot looks like their faces are a bunch of random metal parts. Why do these two look and talk exactly like racist caricatures that went out of style 50 years ago? In TF3, will we see these two guys eating watermelons and fried chicken, too?
• And, including Wheelie, there where a whopping THREE Jar-Jar Binks type characters in this movie.
• The way the camera lingers on Megan Fox and … um … certain parts of her is pretty creepy. Ditto Alice and the unnecessary fanservice.
• OK, I understand The Fallen was sorta canon in the comic books, but anyone who’s followed the old cartoon and the toys had never heard of him. And why does he look like a Bionocle?
• Bay’s obsession with dog-humping is pretty dumb. This is what kids find funny these days? Maybe we need to go back in time and give everyone courses on animal husbandry.
• Boy, and I thought the whole masturbation talk from the previous movie was pretty uncomfortable. Try explaining the pot brownies to your kids.
• The terribly shoe-horned “I love you” subplot. You know better, Michael Bay: you totally suck at portraying human emotions. We’re here to watch things blow up, dammit!
• Professor McSexy. I mean, God, what was the point of that guy?
• Too frigging long.
• Frankly, if you thought the ‘bots didn’t have enough screen time in the first movie, they seem to even have less here. The banner shows that I’m a Ratchet fan. He had, like, one line in the entire movie!
• Somehow everyone I know thinks this was as good as the first movie. I loved the first movie, and this movie was a cut below. This makes me realize that I am surrounded by people who have no taste, and I must resist the urge to go on a big nerd lecture.

PROS (and there are some!):

• The banner above also says I’m an Arcee fan. Guess which Transformer to be onscreen finally? And three, in fact!
• Jetfire was kinda goofy… but they managed to do the backstory justice! In the G1 cartoon, they guy was a former Decepticon who crashlanded on Earth several eons past. That’s who he is here, but with a pretty clever twist.
• As much as the Pretenders were the darkest nadir of the G1 line, I was a bit happy that one managed to make its way into this movie. You know what would’ve been even better? If Sam Witwicky turned into a Headmaster.
• Wheelie was dumb, but somehow not as dumb as Wheelie from Transformers: The Movie.
• Finally, the Megatron-Starscream back-and-forth makes it front and center! I can finally accept that their weird star-shaped Decepticon in the football helmet is the real Starscream. He even managed to sound like him, too, i.e. a cross between a snake and Spongebob Squarepants.
• I can’t complain too much about either Soundwave or Ravage, who were as true to form as a big screen adaptation could make them. Now give us Laserbeak!
• Turning Devastator into a big Gozilla beastie was actually a pretty inspired development. You already have big robots wreaking havoc everywhere. What distinguishes Devastator beyond scale, which, at times, is not too easy to perceive?
• Odious comic relief not so odious; I admit I laughed like a slack-jawed moron at Leo and that Sector 7 dude.
• All in all, decent special effects and nice locales. You can’t go wrong with a giant robot whaling on the top of the Great Pyramid. You just can’t.

So, basically the same big, dumb movie that’s been made since Hollywood discovered color. And it did well, so you can expect these spectacles to go on and on forever. Plus, what so wrong about turning off your mind for three hours if most moviegoers ultimately went home happy?

However, no way in hell I’m buying the DVD like I did the first movie. Sorry, guys… I DO have my limitations.

Ludacris. Awesome explosions and photoshop art. And Tom Cruise bald, fat, and dancing? Can this be the best ending credit sequence ever? I think yes.

Is the King of Pop still alive? Observe the facts:

• Michael Jackson was clearly an Elvis man. Observe his short lived yet highly publicized marriage to Elvis’ daughter, Lisa Marie Presley. observe how he seemed to live to anger the Beatles — Elvis’ rivals in American consciousness — with the purchase of their music rights. Why not disappear like Elvis? Rumors persist to this day that Elvis did not die, but instead disappeared into a private life free of the publicity. Jackson, being a private man, longed for the same thing. Did he disappear like his idol?
• After spending his life transforming his appearance from a young black man into what looks like a facsimile of a white woman, I think we can safely say that Jackson was a master of biological transformations. And he did this in a few short years. The Jackson of “Bad” looks nothing like the Jackson of “Beat It.” Do we even know what the real Michael Jackson looks like today? The man kept his face hidden under veils, sunglasses, and handkerchiefs for the last three years. Could it be he was hiding yet another transformation?
• And wouldn’t someone with his resources and ties to the plastic surgery industry have to capacity to alter a corpse to at least look similar to a person we might identify as Michael Jackson?
• Jackson was to go touring in London in July 13 this year for his comeback tour. It’s well known that Jackson was also a fan of Peter Pan, which is set in London. If you were to disappear, wouldn’t it be very convenient to disappear to Neverland rather than going to boring, mundane London (no offense to the Londoners)?
• It was reported Jackson was in dire financial straits, having just recently lost Neverland Ranch. However, from Wikipedia: “Less than four months before Jackson’s death one of his biographers, Ian Halperin, revealed that Jackson had a secret library of over 100 unreleased songs which he planned to release after his death to support his children.” So Jackson would have a motive for disappearing, but is it enough to kill yourself? What if you faked death, left your kids a huge windfall from people who are now grieving over your death, while you hide out in the Bahamas?

Needless to say, if you’ve seen someone who you think might be Michael Jackson hiding out from the paparazzi, please post your findings here!

Catchy. Hilarious. Somewhat disturbing.

… or the Disunited States of America.

Theorizing how the US would split is something of a fun past-time. After all, it’s not outside within the realm of possibility that the US could one day collapse. It’s happened once before. And it’s affected larger countries, like the Soviet Union. Neil Gaiman, in the novel American Gods, remarked that America was really made of several smaller countries. Valuable insight from a man not born in this country.

Unfortunately, many scenarios are absolutely laughable. Like this map developed by a former KGB agent. Seriously, does anyone living in the US think these divisions are remotely plausible? Whatever the Soviet government was paying Igor Panarin, it was too much.

And there’s also this odd breakdown by Matt Kirkland, which is “dedicated to breaking the US into smaller, more functional nations”.

Or this one by a Turkish citizen who envisions a nation of Afro-Americans on the East Coast and a nation of Native Americans in the Plains region.

There’s the map for the TV show “Jericho,” which sees a pretty firm East-West split (with Texas breaking off… of course.)

The most plausible division came from Joel Garreau in 1981, which splits out the US more along cultural lines. However, I still think he’s overthinking it.

Thus my attempt, one based on nearly zero educational knowledge. Well, beyond visiting 35 of the 50 states pictured here. Fiction writers and game developers, feel free to use my Balkanized USA map as a guideline.

Basic ground rule: I’m not splitting up any State. California could easily be split up into 4 different regions, but doing so would establish a difficult precedent. Isn’t upstate New York a different world than Long Island? How about north and south Missouri? Eastern and Western Washington? I’m keeping state boundaries the same, mainly because it’s easier to color in the borders.

Also: no one region is the true United States. In the Civil War, the North could claim such. Not in this scenario. Why? I don’t want to start a flame war, for one thing. Second, I wouldn’t be able to split the US into as many regions as I could. If any of the regions could legitimately claim to still be the United States, I doubt most would leave. This includes the notoriously rebellious South.

The Northern States – These include most of the States that joined the North during the Civil War. Some scenarios see New England splitting from the rest of the Union, or New York City becoming a city state, or the Midwest forming their own group. For some reason, I just can’t see Chicago disassociating themselves from Boston, or New York being alienated from Milwaukee. Each state is rather pretty independent, yet united in the sense they’re strong manufacturing centers with high population densities.

Missouri was tricky, as it could eventually end up with several of the countries, but I eventually settled on how its major city, St. Louis, as strong ties to the North.

Why the vaguely generic “The Northern States”? Well, sticking to my own rules, I couldn’t call this area the United States, like it was back in the Civil War. I’m sure New Englanders would balk if I called it The Mid-West, and vice versa.

Maybe “Yankeevania”?

Capital: Columbus, OH (mainly for its midpoint location between the East Coast and the Midwestern States).

Dixie — This constitutes most of the Confederate States, minus Texas and Florida and adding former Border States Kentucky.

These states have very strong ties with one another. If Georgia struck out on its own, likely South Carolina would join them in solidarity. Same with Alabama and Mississippi.

I chose “Dixie”, by the way, since Confederate States has racial connotations in some parts (and the idea is that the local politicians would be savvy enough to figure that out). Yeah, the “Dixie” song might be pinpointed by some people out as racist — what being sung from the perspective of a freed slave who reminisces he had it better in The Land of Cotton — but I’m assuming no one really thinks about that.

Capital: Atlanta

The Dominion of the Atlantic — While traditionally Southern, Maryland, Virginia, and North Carolina have, over the years, moved separately beyond their Southern kin. In the case of Maryland and Virginia, it’s the influence of the DC area, which has populated both states with federal offices. In the case of North Carolina, it’s the diversification of the Piedmont Triad and the Triangle regions, which is bringing in high-tech companies and immigrants. And in the case of Delaware … it sorta shares the Delmarva peninsula with the other two states, so it’s joining ‘em.

The region is often called the Mid-Atlantic. I threw Dominion in there because of Virginia’s nickname, “Old Dominion,” and the rather royal sounding names all the states have.

Capital: Washington, DC

Dakota — Originally, I had this region staying with The Northern States (or even the Midamerica region). The nature of these four states are rather distinct: wide-open spaces and small communities with few major city centers (Wyoming being the least populated state in America). Can this region survive on its own? However, looking at it another way, there may be sentiment that, with fewer people, the mainly conservative citizens of this region may be overlooked within another region’s urban-centered politics. Economically, I think it would be similar to Canada: an area rich in natural resources that can be traded to its neighbor countries.

Named after the Dakota Territory that encompassed much of this area.

Capital: Pierre, S.D.

Midamerica — This region contains several key cities that we tend to forget: Denver, Boulder, Tulsa, Oklahoma City, Wichita, greater Kansas City, and Omaha. The industry tends heavily toward agriculture, and the population is booming. Politically, the region is conservative. It may tend towards joining the neighbors in Dixie … yet, the people themselves don’t exhibit much Southern culture.

I named this country Midamerica, by the way, because folks in Kansas seem to name EVERYTHING Midamerica this or Midamerica that.

Capital: Oklahoma City

Oregon — a.k.a. The Pacific Northwest. (I didn’t settle on that name, though, since it doesn’t sound quite right for a country. I went with the original Oregon Territory appelation.) Anchored by Seattle, Tacoma, and Portland in the East, and Spokane and Boise in the West. It’s mixed, politically: West Coast is quite liberal, eastern regions are conservative. I really couldn’t see anyone here siding with California (as shown in most scenarios).

Idaho was a bit tricky: culturally, it’s closer to the folk in Dakota … or even Utah to the south. Yet, its major city centers (around Boise) are closer to Washington and Oregon. I imagine Idaho would choose commerce and trade over political solidarity.

Capital: Olympia, WA

Mojave — The region shares traits beyond geographical similarities (i.e., the desert). The area, outside of Sin City, is typically conservative. There is a strong Latino population, mainly in the Border States of Arizona and New Mexico. Plus, the states are caught between California and Texas, two states that would likely overlook the needs of these less populated regions should an alliance be formed. Named after the desert in south Nevada and north Arizona.

Capital: Phoenix, AZ

Separate States

Texas — Someone else said it best: Texas is pretty much the only place where State takes precedence over country. Should the US disintegrate, you just know they’re off on their own.

Capital: Austin (duh).

Florida — While the panhandle folk may be itching to join their brothers in Dixie, the regions of Central and Southern Florida are more culturally similar to their neighbors in the Caribbean.

Capital: Tallahassee.

California — Pretty much one of the world’s largest economies on its own.

Capital: Sacramento.

Utah — Should the US fragment, I imagine the Latter Day Saints would take the opportunity to establish a nation centered around their beliefs, as was the goal when they moved to the region in 1846. Alternate name: Deseret, which I think is from the Book of Mormon.

Capital: Salt Lake City.

Alaska (not pictured) — Potential to merge with nearby regions of Yukon, the Northwest Territories, and Nanavut (providing the pressures that cause the US to stop existing also affect Canada).

Capital: Juneau.

Hawaii (not pictured) — Would exist as a separate island nation. Think Samoa or Fiji.

Capital: Honolulu.

… as done by none other than Ben Linus (a.k.a. Michael Emerson).

So…

The Wall Street Journal has an article up about how U2, Green Day, Dylan, and other acts are churning out new Broadway musicals.

What are some of those musicals, pray tell?

Well, they include a theatrical version of “Coraline” and “Spider-Man Turn off the Dark.”

Read here.

Now if only someone can only make the Ray Wall Band’s X-Men rock opera a reality.