Kirk vs. Picard: Who’s the best Starfleet captain?

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It’s the question at the heart of all geekdom. Yes, even bigger than Superman vs. Batman, or Android vs. iPhone, or Boy Meets World vs. iCarly. Which is the best Star Trek captain: Kirk or Picard?

It’s interesting that the other captains don’t come close. Sisko may have been the best military leader. Archer may have been the best pet owner. Janeway may have been the best psychopath, destroying all faith and confidence in the Federation as a viable organization. But really, it comes down to the extremes: tough and tumble James Tiberius Kirk or Earl Grey loving Jean Luc Picard.

Fortunately, Rooktopia is on the case, providing a blow-by-blow analysis that is in no way a means to grab cheap page views right before the American debut of Star Trek Into Darkness. The superiority of each captain can be broken down into a few salient points, such as:

Young Captain Kirk is played by Christopher Pine in the recent movies directed by J.J. Abrams. Young Picard, or at least a clone of him, was played by a young Tom Hardy in the movie Star Trek: Nemesis.

Both young actors were romantic rivals for the heart of Reese Witherspoon in the romantic spy thriller movie, This Means War.

Winner: no one. No one wins for appearing in that dumb movie.


You have to credit William Shatner for burying his Canadian accent so deep that he is believable as a resident of the great American state of Iowa. I don’t know what the Iowan accent is, but I assume it has to do with stretching the middle section as long as possible. (i.e. “Spoooooooooock.”) Patrick Stewart, on the other hand, was playing a French Starfleet captain with a British accent.


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Manlier drink: Diet Coke vs. Coke Zero

It’s been pretty clear that the Coca-Cola Corporation likes to target it’s drinks toward two different kinds of customers.

To wit, a Diet Coke ad:

A Coke Zero ad:

I get it. Coke Zero makes you manlier.

However, does the hype match the reality? I took a taste test this afternoon to find out, drinking the two different versions of diet drinks and seeing if either will help me grow hair on my chest. Also I was really thirsty this afternoon. My test compared the two drinks on three different metrics: packaging, taste, and aftereffects.

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Emilio Largo vs. Auric Goldfinger: Best (#2) Bond Villain?

OK, so Ernst Blofeld, head of SPECTRE, pretty much has the voting tied up for best Bond baddie. The dude was running a secret global villain organization, he has the scar on his eye, and he’s got the whole cat-petting-style of villainy down that’s been parodied everywhere. The character also appears in more movies than any other Bond villain (albeit played by different actors). This is why Dr. Evil was based on him, and not, say, Dr. No.

So hands down, Blofeld is the best Bond villain.

But… who’s number two?

Usually it comes down to two main villains: Auric Goldfinger from his self-titled movie Goldfinger and Emilio Largo from Thunderball. It’s the big bad laser vs. SPECTRE’s Number Two in the battle of Bond’s Number Two Baddie! So let’s take a look, blow by blow, starting with:

1.) The Catchphrase

Despite being a stone-cold customer, I don’t remember anything Largo had to say. I looked it up on IMDB, and the best I could come up with was, “You know much about guns, Mr. Bond?” That’s more classic for Bond’s comeback, which was, “No, but I know a little about women.” Badum-tsh!

That doesn’t matter, because nobody … NOBODY … is beating Auric Goldfinger with the definitive villain catchphrase: “No Mr. Bond, I expect you to DIE.” There may be a hundred more Bond movies made from here on out, but that phrase will never be topped.

Winner: Goldfinger

2.) The Henchmen/Henchwomen

A truly great villain is defined by the effectiveness of his support staff. I imagine that’s on an inspirational poster somewhere in SPECTRE HQ.

Largo’s henchmen are mostly indistinguishable thugs, with the exception of one Fiona Volpe, a female assassin with a motorcycle equipped with missile launches. Pretty awesome, and she looked good in the motorcycle gear. Her scene chasing Bond down at the parade is definitely one for the ages.

Still, like the catchphrase, there’s no contest. Auric Goldfinger has two main henches. The first is Oddjob, a mute Korean who has a spinning bowler hat of death. Alone, he’s in the running for greatest henchman of all time.

Goldfinger also has the additional advantage of having the infamously named Pussy Galore on his payroll. You know, she who started the whole “Bond girl with a filthy double entendre of a name” trend. (And yes, even in the 60’s it was dirty. Ms. Galore’s name was omitted from a trading card set aimed at kids.) No comparison. You win again, Goldfinger.

Winner: Goldfinger
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Miser War: Heat Miser Vs. Snow Miser

What would Christmas be without the stop-motion special “The Year Without A Santa Claus”? Probably pretty much the same. However, children, easily amused teenagers, and easily amused 20-somethings latched onto this weird Rankin-Bass show, which is frankly about one of the most nonsensical Christmas specials that ever aired. This is a show that featured two very annoying elves named Jingle and Jangle and a painfully cute “It’s a Small World” style montage of children around the world.

Yet, everyone will agree that the most memorable segments belonged to the two children of Mother Nature, the Heat Miser and the Snow Miser. Which one of these two fine fellows rules our hearts and represents the true meaning of Christmas?

Heat Miser: A portly fellow. The main attraction here is his flaming red hair, puffy at the bottom, pointed and wispy at the top. In essence he looks like a kewpie doll, only far less creepy. He tends to look like a caricature of somebody from the British Parliament, permanent facial grimace and all. Yet you still need to fight of the urge to huge the stuffing out of him.
Snow Miser: Looks like the friggin’ Joker.
Winner: Hands down… the Heat Miser.

I present to you this sequential comparison:

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Who Wants to Be a Superhero? Lemuria vs. Basura

The hot chicks of Superhero.

So, if you were like me, you mourned the elimination of the last hot superhero on the team. This isn’t a slam on Whip Snap or Hygena. Both are beautiful in their own ways. But neither was a total hottie like Basura. Still, many fanboys are asking themselves: who was the better hottie superhero — this season’s Basura, or last season’s Lemuria? Both were the top of their class in the eye-candy department. And, as Monty Python would say it, both had bountiful tracts of land.

Rooktopia tackles this problem indepth to settle this battle of super-hotties once and for all:


BASURA: Real name, Aja De Coudreaux. Superhero name means “garbage” in Spanish.

LEMURIA: Real name, Tonatzin Mondragon. Name comes from hypothetical land mass located in the Indian Ocean. This is tied in with her origin story, which is based on Atlantis mythology. She was sent to the future from the past by her Atlantian father and raised in 21st century Mexico. She’s an archaeology student. And she discovers that must prevent war from breaking out between Atlantis and the Mu.
WINNER: Have to had it to Lemuria. That is one hell of on obscure name origin, and it sure beats calling yourself “garbage.” By the way, those can’t be the real names for both contestants, can they?

BASURA: “Communicates with and is aided by insects of all kinds; trains small animals to assist her; can intuit by touch how any object was created; turns trash into treasure and reshapes rubbish into robots.”
LEMURIA: “Shoots laser-beams and fireballs; levitates; drains energy from people, animals and plants; hurls orbs of solar energy.”
WINNER: Basura. Lemuria sorta saddled herself with the sample pack of superhero powers and ends up not being very original. Basura has bugs and trash-bots to do her bidding. Tres cool.

BASURA: Ummm… Cleanliness? Also, the site says “Her insect friends can be unreliable when ‘primal needs’ arise.” Uh, awwwwkkwarrrrddddd.
LEMURIA: Darkness and the night.
WINNER: Basura. OK, it was worded a bit creepily, but vulnerability to darkness and night is a pretty terrible weakness. Wasn’t that Nuclear Man’s weakness from Superman IV? And how was that a good thing?
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Transformers (1986) vs. Transformers (2007)

Nimoy or Weaving?
One will stand, one will fall.

So which Transformers movie is better? Let’s take a look at these two legendary motion pictures. The following is spoileriffic.
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