Arbitrary Ratings: The Superman Characters

Clearly a paragon of Truth, Justice, and the American Way… well, except when he’s being a global citizen or whatever. Kinda white bread, but essentially a decent guy who saves kitties from trees and the world form robot tentacle things. He also listens to people. Like, when everyone was making fun of how he’s got his underwear outside his pants? Well, he put a stop to that. ‘Cuz Supes is all about the positive marketing. Now excuse me: I have a hankering for some IHOP pancakes. Rating: 4/5.

Lois Lane
A little reckless, a little nervy, and apparently needs to get mindwiped every so often because she can’t reconcile Superman with his secret identity, but whatever. Not every woman in the world can get the Man of Steel to fall head over heels, and she’s definitely the woman he loves. Plus, she’s up for a story and isn’t afraid to turn herself Black in order to get the scoop on racism. Let’s see Diane Sawyer try that trick! Rating: 4/5.

Jimmy Olsen
You know, this is going to be controversial, but Superman can do a better job with a best friend. This guy is totally lazy. Gets into scrapes, then hits the button on his Superman watch to undo everything. He’s that abusive friend who takes, takes, takes, but never gives unless it’s a tacky sweater that needs to be burned for his own good. Also, that bow tie is hideous. Rating: 2/5.

Lana Lang
Pretty much Superman’s strongest tie to his childhood. However, once he’s grown up and patrolling Metropolis, Lana’s got nothing to do. This is pretty apparent in Smallville, which only took a few years before turning her into a witch. And then, a few years later, turning her in a superpowered woman with Kryptonite radiation. Oh, Lana. If only you’d settled with that nice Lex fella. Rating: 3/5.

Lex Luthor
Cursed to be Superman’s enemy due to his baldness, Lex Luthor is a man who’s done it all. He’s been a mad scientist. A business man. The president. A god, at some point. Plus he owns a nifty purple and green power armor. He’s pretty much the LeBron James of the DC Universe: incredibly accomplished, but everone hates him. Rating: 5/5.

He’s a monkey in a cape. With superpowers. Which means he can hurtle feces at you with the power of a locomotive. That’s gross. Beppo the Supermonkey: you’re gross. You don’t belong in a world that already has Krypto the Superdog. Rating: 1/5.

Clark Kent
This guy is so awkward. How did this bumbling, mild-mannered reporter end up getting a job at the Daily Planet, anyway? What is he, some sort of cornpone country hick? Wait a minute. If you take off those glasses, he sorta looks like… I mean, he kinda reminds me of…. Nah. Couldn’t be. Rating: 3/5.


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