Manlier drink: Diet Coke vs. Coke Zero

It’s been pretty clear that the Coca-Cola Corporation likes to target it’s drinks toward two different kinds of customers.

To wit, a Diet Coke ad:

A Coke Zero ad:

I get it. Coke Zero makes you manlier.

However, does the hype match the reality? I took a taste test this afternoon to find out, drinking the two different versions of diet drinks and seeing if either will help me grow hair on my chest. Also I was really thirsty this afternoon. My test compared the two drinks on three different metrics: packaging, taste, and aftereffects.

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Packaging

Diet Coke
So what does the Diet Coke can look like? Well, it’s silver. Silver like Volvo from Twilight. So far so good.

As you can see the diet Coke can has a “D” placed at the top to resemble a woman’s shapely legs and lovely curves. I mean … man, that’s one sexy letter “D”. If this letter were on Sesame Street, you can guarantee that there would be parental complaints filling up the inboxes of the offices at Children’s Television Workshop.

Coke Zero
Coke Zero comes in a black can. A little gender neutral, I think. The signag sticks with the classic cursive Coca-Cola font. I’d say this is manly. It looks a little like a baseball team’s logo, I think.

The real test of manliness is that football. “Hey, you like football?” say Coca-Cola. “Well we have a picture of a football. Therefore you will drink this.” Sadly, Coke Zero loses a lot of points here. Why? Because this is one of the most feminine looking footballs imaginable. Seriously, if any of the women’s football leagues — outside of the Lingerie Football League, I mean — were ever forced to play with this football, there would be complaints about gender discrimination.

Manliness Factor: Push

Taste

Diet Coke
The taste of watered down Coke with the delightful hint of aspartame. It’s also sparkly, like a champagne. It definitely got me in the mood to lace up some ballet shoes and do some soubresauts.

Coke Zero
This is definitely a sweeter taste. Now, the packaging says Real Coke Taste for Zero Calories. It lies. This tastes nothing like Coke. It tastes like Coke mixed with iced tea. Still, it is less sparkly, so I’m going to say that yes, this is the manlier drink.

Manliness Factor: Coke Zero

Aftereffects

Diet Coke
After drinking Diet Coke, I was suddenly to struck by the urge to watch Drive Angry 3D…. OK, listen to a podcast reviewing Drive Angry 3D. This was more to pass the day while I was doing my work, but you gotta admit that’s a pretty manly sentiment.

Coke Zero
After drinking Coke Zero, I needed to pee. Now, if hack 80’s comedians have taught me anything, it’s that ladies go to the bathroom a lot. Negative manliness.

Manliness Factor: Diet Coke

So… there you go. Drinking Coke Zero does not make you more manly than if you drink Diet Coke. It’s no longer just a theory, it is science fact.

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