Vikings Are Totally Lame

Various corners of the internet seem intent on including Vikings in the Holy Pantheon of Monkey/Zombie/Pirate/Robot/Ninja. To thee I say “Nay!” Apologies to my Scandinavian brethren (and my Norwegian aunt), but Vikings are totally lame. Here’s why:

  1. Vikings did not have horned helmets. This was apparently something made up by a Swedish historical fangroup known as The Geatish Society (a.k.a. The Gothic League), because Swedes were developing a rep as blonde prettyboys and they needed to prove that they were hardcore or something. Vikings really wore conical helmets. Rooktopia thinks that this made them look like extras in a Saturday Night Live skit.

  2. Vikings did not drink booze out of skulls. Historians say that the ones with this practice were the Germans (specifically, some pretty freaky Germanic tribes). I expect that Vikings drank tea out of dainty little cups.

  3. Vikings were pretty clean, apparently. The uncouth Viking was apparently some myth propagated by jealous missionaries. Old texts even show that Vikings developed a reputation for cleanliness in England — using soap, bleaching their hair, and bathing at least once a week (which was, like, obsessive compulsive in Ye Olde Tymes). Vikings liked to be pretty and blonde, which will get you all the chicks at school, but is most definitely not hardcore. (In other words, when Stan Lee and Jack Kirby turned Thor into a wispy Abercrobie & Fitch model, they were right on the money.)

  4. Lutefisk. OK, I admit this food is totally hardcore. Fish with lye? Rock! But how come every time I see someone eating it on TV, it’s some old lady for Wisconsin in a bad Christmas sweater? Totally not metal, Vikings.

  5. Swedes are the world’s nicest people. How do we know Vikings never had awesome berzerker blood? Look at the modern day Sweden. What’s it known for? The world’s greatest healthcare system, the world’s safest cars (via Volvo), and Ikea.

    What the hell, Sweden?

    In a final indignity, I have to report that Swede players in the Manliest Sport on Earth — hockey — are among the most gentlemanly. Nik Lidstrom, Peter Forsberg, Henrik Zetterberg — all classy guys. Canadians are meaner. How passive do you have to be when the Canadians are meaner?

So there you go. Rooktopia officially opposes any bid for Vikings to join the Geek pantheon. Vikings were apparently less heavy metal and more boy band.

6 thoughts on “Vikings Are Totally Lame

  1. Personally, I’ve always preferred Cowboys.

    That said, it’s getting to the point where I start to get a tension headache whenever I hear somebody talk about anything in ‘the geek pantheon”, so maybe the rest of you geeks should stay the fuck away from any cool groups, like cowboys or Aztecs.

  2. Er, sorry, so just because Vikings didn’t conform to the sterotyped image of moronic, horned-helmeted psychopaths, does that really mean that they are lame? Surely a group of people who travelled the world, made beautiful poetry and art, gave us a large number of the words we speak and have left a lasting impression on the world today deserve some respect. Do your homework before writing stuff like this because it’s totally wrong.

    1. No the poster is right. They are lame, and overrated. People praise them for essentialy doing not shit. It was Spain, Greece, Italy, France, Germany, & the United Kingdom who have been the heart of Europe. Responsible for most innovation that has come out of Europe. The United Kingdom (mainly England & Scotland) alone are responsible for over 50% of the modern inventions we use today even the Web you’re now typing on. Scandinavians have existed for as long as all these people and yet not one revolution, not one major invention that changed the face of the earth. Yet people prance around “VIKINGS woooooo”, they didn’t do crap but pillage some countries and create a myth about a red headed man who runs around with a hammer. Art and Poetry? I lol’d Scandinavians didn’t give us any art or poetry that the British, Italians, or Greeks didn’t give us x10 better. Ok they traveled the world? but where are the countries outside of Scandinavia filled with Scandinavians? nowhere, shows how sucsessful they were at colonization. The British managed to get their genetics across varying continents until now they dominate in huge countries outside of Britain (America, Australia, Canada, New Zealand etc) where is that great Scandinavian colony?

  3. Oh almost forgot, which brings me to another topic. About Metal, people like to associate Metal with Vikings…..but it was actualy Anglo Saxons (the English) who invented it, lol.

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