Various corners of the internet seem intent on including Vikings in the Holy Pantheon of Monkey/Zombie/Pirate/Robot/Ninja. To thee I say “Nay!” Apologies to my Scandinavian brethren (and my Norwegian aunt), but Vikings are totally lame. Here’s why:
- Vikings did not have horned helmets. This was apparently something made up by a Swedish historical fangroup known as The Geatish Society (a.k.a. The Gothic League), because Swedes were developing a rep as blonde prettyboys and they needed to prove that they were hardcore or something. Vikings really wore conical helmets. Rooktopia thinks that this made them look like extras in a Saturday Night Live skit.
- Vikings did not drink booze out of skulls. Historians say that the ones with this practice were the Germans (specifically, some pretty freaky Germanic tribes). I expect that Vikings drank tea out of dainty little cups.
Vikings were pretty clean, apparently. The uncouth Viking was apparently some myth propagated by jealous missionaries. Old texts even show that Vikings developed a reputation for cleanliness in England — using soap, bleaching their hair, and bathing at least once a week (which was, like, obsessive compulsive in Ye Olde Tymes). Vikings liked to be pretty and blonde, which will get you all the chicks at school, but is most definitely not hardcore. (In other words, when Stan Lee and Jack Kirby turned Thor into a wispy Abercrobie & Fitch model, they were right on the money.)
- Lutefisk. OK, I admit this food is totally hardcore. Fish with lye? Rock! But how come every time I see someone eating it on TV, it’s some old lady for Wisconsin in a bad Christmas sweater? Totally not metal, Vikings.
- Swedes are the world’s nicest people. How do we know Vikings never had awesome berzerker blood? Look at the modern day Sweden. What’s it known for? The world’s greatest healthcare system, the world’s safest cars (via Volvo), and Ikea.
What the hell, Sweden?
In a final indignity, I have to report that Swede players in the Manliest Sport on Earth — hockey — are among the most gentlemanly. Nik Lidstrom, Peter Forsberg, Henrik Zetterberg — all classy guys. Canadians are meaner. How passive do you have to be when the Canadians are meaner?
So there you go. Rooktopia officially opposes any bid for Vikings to join the Geek pantheon. Vikings were apparently less heavy metal and more boy band.