International Talk Like A Pirate Day is a wonderful time to remember the great pirate achievements. Without pirates, we wouldn’t have saucy tri-cornered hats, ready-made jokes about homosexuals, and a handy shorthand for downloading music illegally. Without pirates, Talk Like A Pirate Day would instead be Talk Like A Day, which is just downright nonsensical.
It is well known that pirates followed a sound fiscal policy, and their practice of “burying the treasure” was the inspiration for Fort Knox. Pirates are also an inspiration for the handicapped, what with their bountiful employment opportunities for those with prosthetic limbs.
In commemoration of International Talk Like a Pirate Day, we should bow our heads and remember the great achievements of the pirate forefathers who came before us and paved a blazing path to ensure our freedom to wear silly eyepatches and speak the melodic yet gutteral pirate dialect.
Captain Jack Sparrow taught us to alway make sure that the rum is never gone. And also that women are all over Johnny Depp even if he is dressed like a preening nancy boy.
Captain Hector Barbossa taught us that a pirate ship in the midst of a brutal battle may be the most awesomest place to get married, ever.
Pirate King Elizabeth Swann taught us that while the pirate life means living with rats and filth, it shouldn’t keep you from looking utterly fabulous.
The Dread Pirate Roberts taught us that you can go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.
The Oakland Raiders taught us that, yes, there is a team out there more pathetic than the Detroit Lions… and that cosplay is tolerated as long as it’s about football.
The Starjammers taught us that space is a vast, colorful place with interesting people to see and meet. And that Cyclops’ dad was a furry.
The Space Pirate Ryoko taught us that it’s perfectly fine to be lusting over boys 5,000 years younger than you.
Bucco Bruce taught us that a winking pirate with a foppish hat and big hoop earring just might not be the most intimidating logo in sports.
And finally, the man that started it all, Long John Silver, taught us that fish and chips can be mighty tasty with tartar sauce.
So on this day, remember your pirate forefathers. Raise a glass of rum and give them all a hearty, “Arrrrrr!!!!!”