Who Wants to Be a Superhero? Episode 7 — The Season Finale!!

I’m watching Ghost Hunters right before the show starts. There’s an absolutely priceless scene where the guys are searching for supernatural activity around a fountain. One of the guys shines his flashlight on a spider. The other guy TOTALLY FREAKS OUT! Hello, aren’t you guys Ghost Hunters? And you’re letting a daddy long legs freak you out? Holy crap, I wonder what he’d do if they encountered a REAL ghost. I guarantee those pants would be a few pounds heavier.

Anyway, since I missed last week, here’s the recap by bulletpoint:

  • The heroes team up with fourth-graders and help them cheat on their tests.
  • The heroes get embarassed in a Public Park due to EVIL STAN LEE!
  • The heroes kick themselves out of a box.
  • Parthenon gets the can for not playing with the kiddies.

The real reason Parthenon was eliminated? The kids hated his Jack Nicholson impersonation.

By the way, what ever happened to Queen Bee Sting? Back when Dr. Dark debuted, I sorta expected that there would be a “Villain of the Day” format to the proceedings. Instead, it’s been Dr. Dark fulltime. Are we in for a reveal that Dr. Dark is really Bee Sting in disguise? Or did Bee Sting get sent packing after she’d accomplished her primary goal — namely, dumping honey all over Basura and her sexy, sexy cleavage?

Maybe we’ll find out in THE SUPER SEASON FINALE OF WHO WANTS TO BE A SUPERHERO!!!!!

THE DOGGIE SPECIAL!

Hygena is broken up over Parthenon’s elimination … as are we all. Defuser says they all have to step it up to win that … crappy comic book series. The heroes hold hands. Together, they will tough out the rest of the game. Respect.

Defuser and Hyper-Strike are playing with their balls. Um, juggling balls. Don’t blame me, it looks like they were definitely setting up the double entendre. Stan has enough of these shenanigans and calls the heroes in.

I’m huge!

Giant Stan Lee shows up on the TV on a rampage in the city. He’s feeding off the electricity off of tall towers. Didn’t I see this plot on a Space Ghost Coast to Coast?

The heroes run off to the SUPER NISSAN PATHFINDER! (Only one this time.)

The heroes must cut off evil Stan’s power supply by forming a human chain. But there’s a small complication… KILLER DOGS! Dear heaven, where’s Super Michael Vick when you need him?


“For me to poop on!”

But serious, this is the moment I’ve been waiting for all season. The attack dog contest was my favorite one from last season, and I’ve been waiting for this since they teased it on a commercial . It’s time that these three taste the fury of sharp doggie teeth! The three formulate a plan. Hygena offers herself up as bait. Whoa, there, sweetie. That French maid outfit do not bait make. Or… something.

The dogs get Hygena down… just like she planned! The dog then proceeds to chew on her arm with reckless abandon. Is Hygena done for? (Well, probably not, since she’s head to toe in Kevlar, the handlers are probably conveniently offscreen, and the dogs are probably not trained to bite human flesh. But anyway….)

Suddenly, Hygena regretted stuffing her suit with beef jerky.

Defuser comes back to check up on her with his super-concern, but she tells him to go on ahead. (Actually, I think he was there to check out her hot, sexy… OK, I cannot continue that sentence without making myself ill. I apologize. Profusely.) Hyper-Strike gets in the truck to look for some tools. A third dog comes in and locks in on the Defuser! It pairs nicely with the dog chewing on his other arm. Adorable, really. Hyper-Strike, the only one not being chewed on by dogs, pulls two cables to break the connection.

Everyone wants a piece of The Defuser!

Hygena starts to tear up. Defuser, using his herculean strength, links hands with Hyper-Strike. The power is broken! Evil Stan disappears, and so do the attack dogs. Buh huh? Magical dogs? I think I saw them in the Hulk movie.

IT FIGURES

Defuser has some bruises on his arms, impressing the chicks. Er, Hygena. (Brrrr. Like I said, this is nothing against Hygena, it’s just that she looks like a total mom.) Hygena blames herself for doing the worst in this challenge. Defuser calls himself a very wet stinky superhero, which is flat out disgusting.

Stan calls them into the TV room for a surprise. But first… Erin Esurance shows up to remind us that everyone can be a winner by choosing Esurance. Oh, Erin. I’d chew you out like a power-plant guard dog if I didn’t love you so.

We’re back, and Stan has something special: limited edition action figures!

The heroes have a visit with… the Toy Man!

They are actually pretty cool. Hyperstrike’s figure doesn’t seem to have his Original Scarf, though. Well, it might, but it’s tied around his wait. They can also record their catchphrases on their toys. Defuser’s like a little boy playing with his action figure. Hyper-Strike does the right thing and ties the red belt around the action figure’s neck, where it rightfully should be.

“Shut up! Shut up! Kiss my butt!”

THE TALK SHOW OF DOOM

It’s back to the SUPER NISSAN PATHFINDER for their next mission. They’re sent to a mysterious … office lobby, it seems. They arrive at a door. Defuser goes in first. Who waits for them in the dark with a voice synthesizer? Is it the banker from “Deal or No Deal?” I think so.

But first… looks like Erin Esurance is back, fighting a tentacle monster! … Oh, dear Lord, I don’t know if I can watch the erotic fan art coming out of this one.

The heroes get an interview with KENNEDY! ……….. Kennedy.

Anyway, they come face to face with … a fake reality TV show host. It’s hosted by … did Stan say Kennedy? THE Kennedy? The former MTV VJ? Oh, man, has she ever aged. She looks like a Jewish aunt. I mean, seriously, back in the day I had the serious hots for her. It looks like she’s here to make the heroes give up their secrets. The make-up artist is in on the scam too, getting Hygena to give up her secrets through the devious method of Girl Talk.

Wait… does Kennedy really have a TV show or not? Oh, man, Stan is screwing with my mind. You’ve won this battle. (In a way, it’s pretty genius. How would these people know if Kennedy had a talk show in downtown LA or not?) Hyper-Strike does his version of the kameha-me-ha. I think it went something like, “Hyper-Hyper-Strike!” So does that mean that his spiky yellow hair means that he’s permanently a Super Saiyan? (Don’t answer that; that’s probably exactly what it is.)

Stan instructs the heroes to get around in a circle to discuss their performance. It’s actually pretty somber. Stan calls them up to the roof, and the three heroes give one last group up. Chin up, heroes!

THE SECOND TO LAST ELIMINATION

Here we are again, on the infamous roof. Hyper-Strike confesses that he had imagined seeing him an The Defuser being there at the end. Defuser says that Stan’s picked up on things that he has never seen about himself. Hygena knows she’s the underdog, and she’s prepared to defend herself.

  1. Hyper-Strike: he was great against the dogs. But… he revealed secrets in the make-up room.
  2. The Defuser: Stan commends him for staving off two attack dogs. But .. he reavealed too much to Kennedy. Stan also nails him for leaving Hygena on the ground. Hygena stands up for Defuser, though.
  3. Hygena: Stan thinks Hygena’s plan for going down first was a noble act. But … he gets her for revealing a lot during the Girl Talk with the Make-Up Gril and Kennedy. Double slam!

Stan reveals he’s been watching in the make-up room. Hyper-Strike and Hygena look like they’ve been punched in the gut. All three heroes step forward. I guess there’s some comfort knowing that being in the front row is a foregone inevitability.

Hygena and Defuser defend themselves, but Hyper-Strike says that he shouldn’t be put through to the finals. Ah-ha … using the Fat Momma tactic, I see. Clever. Or not. They show a Defuser double take, which could either mean, “Hyper-Strike, no!” or “Why didn’t I think of that?”

“Wait… wait! Can I change my answer?”

Oh, no, wait… that was a segue into a speech. He should be a politician. He does some anime hand gesture and bows. Ohhh, Hyper-Strike-sempai!

And the hero sent packing on the second to last elimination is:

NO ONE.

Swerrrrrrrvvveeeeeee!!!!!!

The three get to move on the the next level. For the only time in the show, EVERYBODY’S A WINNER!

Squirrel Girl says:

“Everyone moves on? Oh, golly gee, I’m so moved, SO MOVED! Where’s… where’s my hanky?”

I am seriously happy. These three guys do seem to have become friends with each other, so this is a nice piece of relief before the final challenge. Stan gifts them with some apple cider.

But… what’s this? The heroes come face to face with… BALLS MAHONEY OF ECW?

And, uncomfortably, the heroes found out why they called him “Balls.”

BUT WAIT!

Now we move onto the last hour. Balls seems to have completely disappeared into thin air. Stan Lee takes over the airwaves of stock video footage. And LA! And… communist Soviet Union. And… Dr. Dark, Inc.

For the last time, we get the nifty intro sequence. Where have you gone, Basura? And, who’s this Braid character.

We get some flashbacks of Hyper-Strike during his tryout in his white karate togs. Stan compliments him on his outspokenness.

Hyper-Strike’s early incarnation as Tokyo Vanilla Ice didn’t go over so well.

Hygena promotes herself as a representative of the underdogs, and Stan commends her inner strength. The Defuser shows up ion his flak jacket and tights. Stan loves his humility, his ability to work well with others, and his leadership (By the way, it’s my opinion Defuser would have the most compelling comic book.)

And … it’s BALLS MAHONEY OF ECW AGAIN!

I’m surprised Hyper-Strike doesn’t notice him. By the way, if you don’t know Balls, he’s sorta a poor man’s Mick Foley. That is, he’s a wrestler who’s got a high pain tolerance. lIt looks like he’s been sent by Stan Lee to train them in battle. We now move on to…

THE SUPERHERO STUNT SCHOOL

“You’re comin’ home with me, little man!”

Balls gets his assistant to wallop him with a chair. I hear those things are the worst things to ever. There’s a reason wrestlers get addicted to painkillers.

The heroes now get in front of the green screen to do some super-flying. Then assistant stunt guy does some stunt fighting. Now Hygena and Defuser face off in combat. Balls is pretty funny here, egging Hygena by saying that Defuser didn’t do his laundry.

Balls bids a fond farewell, and offers up a hearty Excelsior! The heroes wave good-bye, but as their backs are turned, Dr. Dark pays them a visit. Oh, no! There’s no Balls Mahoney to save you now! (But then again, have Dr. Dark and Ball Mahoney ever been seen in the same room? Hmmmmm….)

 

Definitely not the kamehameha. Nope.

The heroes do their fake moves on Dr. Dark, and they completely Kameha-me-ha… uh, Hyper-hyper-strike him through the door. Stan calls them up on their watches and tells them not to worry about Dr. Dark… they have to make it back to the lair. Um… nice work, heroes.

THE FINAL INTERVIEW

Stan calls each one of them into a room to have a one-on-one chat. Hyper-Strike is first. His real name is John. He’s got an easy-going attitude has he reminisces about his childhood.

Hygena is next. Her real name is Melody. She talks about her fears: she and her husband had conceived and lost their baby in a miscarriage. Awww… we love ya, Hygena… and I really mean it. I had a co-worker who had a miscarriage, and it was devastating for her.

Defuser is last. His real name is Jared. He talks about how his sister had fallen into the wrong crowd, and he wanted to help her out. He says that heroes are needed in this world. Stan swerves them again, first teasing that he’s about to announce the winner, but instead beaming them off to…

UNIVERSAL STUDIOS CALIFORNIA

The camera zooms in to a freaky guy who’s cheering like a walrus. There’s a large crowd milling around near the Hard Rock Cafe. Are these people friends and family of the contestants? Or prospective contestants.

We get to the fake movies and stuff.

Oddly, these effects might still be better than Superman IV: Quest for Peace.

Defuser green-screen clips are mixed in with some terrible Sci-fi channel movies. I think it has gargoyles in it. Somehow, this seems cheaper than last year where it was just a total green-screen project. There are some interviews with friend, family, and co-workers after. They love the Defuser! And as an added bonus, he family and friends come to join him on stage.

Hyper-Strike: a human-Mothra hybrid?

Hyper-Strike is thrust into a moview with Japanese giant monster clips. He breaks out that egg that Mothra hatched from, and then fights Rodan. He screams, “Feel my chi!” and blasts some monster from another cheapo Sci-Fic channel movie. They interview people from his town. Oh my God, Hyper-Strike really does have a girlfriend! (I’m being facetious; he’s not that bad looking of guy, really.) He friends and family join him onstage too.)

Who knew the Earth was so dirty?

Hygena’s movie has her in… what is this, another gargoyle movie? And here she is, fighting some snake being. Ah, and she gets to destroy the villainous Dr. Dark himself! Lucky girl. She actually looks pretty hilarious in a home photo montage, where she’s dressed up in various costumes. She tears up when her husband arrives.

Now that the movies are done, Stan is ready to come to his final decision.

And, um, these final scenes are eerily close to being like the final minutes of the Miss USA Pageant. There’s the heroes smiling, the voice overs, Stan the MC. All we need is for him to tell them that if the winner should fail to fulfill the commitments of being Stan’s next great superhero, then the first runner-up…..

But we finally get to Stan’s decision. His next great superhero is going to be….

THE DEFUSER!!!!!!!!!!

“…but you’re not getting my Bud Light.”

By God. I for one thought that Stan was going to screw this guy at the end. I mean, there were so many episodes that ended with Defuser getting chewed up for taking charge too much. He thanks his wife and family, and then gives a shout-out to law enforcement officials everywhere.

Man, this really does seem like a Miss USA pageant. Hyper-Strike and Hygena give the Defuser his props too. Defuser gives Hygena a big, bearsized hug. The fireworks launch, wich seems oddly appropriate for a guy named The Defuser.

The rest of the heroes from the other episdoes come out. And there’s Feedback. Bust most importantly, BASURA! Boo-yahhhh!!!!!!!

Oddly, I’m really interested in this show again.

Stan surprises the Defuser by teleporting out of the TV screen and into our hearts… or right next to Defuser.

Defuser rockets up into the air on his next mission… and “To Be Continued” flashes on the screen.

Fight on, Defuser! For great justice!

Wha—? It should really have been … EXCELSIOR!

Squirrel Girl Says:

“Defuser, you were a hero before an after… and we’ve got a place for ya at the Great Lakes Initiative! Look us up in Milwaukee when the show’s over! And excelsior!”

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