So sexiness is a subjective thing. Being a heterosexual male, I can’t fathom what heterosexual females and homosexual males find sexy. Also, being a person who paid attention to music videos in the 90’s, I don’t find a lot of those VH-1 “I Love the 80’s” sexy videos to be all that great. That Whitesnake video that always ends on these lists won’t be here. I never thought Tawny Kitaen was all that hot.
And a video isn’t sexy just because someone gets naked. Janet Jackson doffs her top often in her “So Excited” video, yet to me it’s one of the most boring displays of exhibition I’ve ever seen. And a lot of it boils down to personal taste. But to me, an artist is sexy by doing the subtle things that make the viewer immediately fall in love them. A sly rise of the eyebrow, a slight curling of the lips, or the ever popular hip gyration. So here are what I consider the sexist music videos of all time.
- Liz Phair: Why Can’t I? – For some reason, I find the close-ups of Liz Phair’s face and her slow-motion head turns to be strangely sensual.
- Sheryl Crow: The First Cut is the Deepest – I happen to think her sexiest work is her cover of Led Zeppelin’s “D’yer M’aker.” But everything that makes Sheryl is on display in this video: her husky voice and her strong feminity. Sure, that “Steve McQueen” has that shot where she’s pulling up her pants, but this video is more sensual overall.
- Methods of Mayhem: Get Naked – My, there’s, um … sure a lot of naked people in this video. Unfortunately, one of them is Tommy Lee. Also, it’s not all that sexy for the most part. Still… lots of naked.
- Madonna: Don’t Tell Me – This has a little bit of something for both the guys and the girls. There’s some genuinely fun dancing here in cowboy chaps. And, for the first time I recall, Madonna — even at 40-something — is looking hot. It’s gotta be her sexy version of country line dancing.
The 10 Sexiest Music Videos
#10 – Van Halen: Hot for Teacher – OK, I know I said I didn’t find 80’s videos all that sexy, but here I’ll make an exception. David Lee Roth and company tap into the primal pre-teen boy fantasy. That’s the one where a hot teacher strips in class.
#9 – Britney Spears: Toxic – There was a time when the mere thought of Britney Spears didn’t make you feel like you just got STDs. “Toxic” was perfectly on the border of clean-cut Britney and the gyrating one in the nearly see-thru body suit.
#8 – Pussycat Dolls: Buttons – Sure, “Don’t Cha” was a better song, but did it have the lithe, fit Pussycat Dolls doing striptease? Nope.
#7 – The Black Eyed Peas: My Humps – This is the song that finally answers the question: “Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?” I’ve heard from various sources that Fergie is nowhere as hot as her videos suggest. Like I care. In fact, it makes me respect her more. If Fergie can exude sexy on charisma alone, then more power to her.
#6 – Kelis: Milkshake – Kelis has ruined the drink for me. Now when I see it on a menu, for some reason I can’t think of anything but some vigorous lady lump shaking. Trust me, erotic bouncing is the last thing I want to think about when eating at the Applebees.
#5 – Ben Benassi: Satisfaction – Good Lord, this is about the most arousing video about power tools. Ben Benassi is a goddamn genius by attempting to get every single man obsession concentrated in one bootilicious video.
#4 – Christina Aguilera: Candyman – I never thought Christina was all that hot. That is, until this video. What do you know: clean the girl up and dress her up in dowdy Andrews Sister costumes, and he ups her Smokin’ Quotient by a 100. Again, I said it was the little things that make an artist sexy, and I could not take my eyes off of Christina’s lips. (The one on her face, wise guy.)
#3 – The Red Hot Chili Peppers: Give It Away – This is definitely one for the ladies. And definitely one for the homosexual males. A bunch of fit, half-naked guys sweating and flexing. And kissing. Again, I’m a heterosexual male, but I cannot deny the raw display of sexuality in this video. Plus, it’s a pretty awesome song.
#2 – Elastica: Connection – So why is this grunge anthem even on my list? Is it the rows and rows of totally naked guys? Donna Matthews’ hypnotic grey eyes? Three chicks with guitars, which automatically makes them hot? The looping video that suggests certain repetitive movements of an erotic nature? Nope, nope, nope, and nope. It’s Justine Frishmann’s sexy, sexy sneer. Call me a child of the grunge-era 90’s, but that is seriously one of the sexiest facial expressions in music.
#1 – Chris Isaak: Wicked Game – And number one on my list (new as of November 2007) is a black and white video that nevertheless conveys the sensation of seawater and naked flesh. A goodlooking rockstar (Chris Isaak) cavorting on the beach with a superhot supermodel in the state of nakedness or near nakedness. And the haunting, guitar-driven song is perfect for getting your mind in a state of heightened eroticism.
List updated 11/8/2007.