Who Wants to Be A Superhero? Surprise elimination of Week 3.

I think I figured out the whole “Queen Bee”/”Bee Sting” conundrum from the previous episode. Apparently her given name must be “Bee,” and she is apparently of some royalty. Thus her full title must be “Queen Bee Sting.”

Now, before we start, a few words about our contestants. I know that the original team from the first season looked more superheroic. However, looks aren’t the only thing, and Season 2 is proving it. I think that the folks at Sci-Fi did a good job at picking the right personalities for the show. For instance, look at Ms. Limelight and the nearest comparison from Season 1, Cellphone Girl. C-Girl was arguably more beatuiful. However, Ms. Limelight is more interesting: a needy girl who is still a bit perky and at least tries her best. C-Girl was a bit of a bored actress looking for her big break.

Another comparison are the hot girls: Season 1’s Lemuria and Season 2’s Basura. I’d hate to say this, since I went ga-ga over Lemuria in the first season, but Basura is much, much hotter. It ain’t just the costume. And it ain’t just the dunk in honey. No, Basura’s actually got a fairly pleasant personality, sorta like the team’s big sister. She’s approachable, well spoken, and nice. And Lemuria? She was competing with Cellphone Girl for blandest personality of Season 1.

On to the show! And Excelsior!

THE PRE-CHALLENGE

The team sits around taking pot-shots at the recently departed Mindset. Now, I have no idea of Mindset is really a jerk in real life, but the show does a really good job portaying him as a … Holy crap, Basura cleavage. I completely forgot what I was going to say. Yowza. (In the words of Crow T. Robot: “Alright, I give up. I’m looking at the breasts.”)

Damn you, captions!

Some shady Grim-Reaper figure is running around an amusement park. This is, I assume, the same guy who, in the previous episode was talking on the cellphone like some teenage girl. He does look like one of the attractions at the Haunted House, though, so I can’t say he’s totally out of place. Stan calls him “The Notorious Dr. Dark.” Is he related to the Notorious B.I.G.?

The dastardly Dr. Dark!

(As an aside, I’m genuinely surprised that “Dr. Dark” hadn’t been trademarked by the Big Two comic companies yet. That sounds like a home run for a villain name.)

To the SUPER NISSAN PATHFINDER!!!!!

THE ROLLER COASTER OF DOOM

Looks like Dr. Dark is guilty of … hiding behind a lamp post. DEVIOUS! And he’s hiding out at the Six Flags. WHEN WILL HIS REIGN OF TERROR CEASE?!?

Hyper-Strike... Striking, yet not hyper.

Stan meets them (via television) at the park, and he morphs into … DR. DARK! Wait, no… that’s Dr. Dark taking over the airwaves. I don’t blame the contestants for thinking Stan had turned evil, though, because this is the same trick he pulled in Episode 1. Dr. Dark calls himself a “resident evil nemesis.” Play video games much, Darko?

Dark is behind a door with four locks. There’s a combination number for each lock that corresponds to brightly color pylons scattered around the park. The heroes have to be split into teams of two. One has to ride a rollercoaster to spot, along the track, a colored tile that represents the color of the pylon. The other has to run to the colored pylon to retrieve the combination number.

CONFUSED YET?

Stan asks the team to play along with Dr. Dark’s sinister plan. (Way to never caving to the bad guy, Mr. The Man.) Stan says it will tell him which heroes are better suited to being superheroes, and which are better as sidekicks. Diffuser takes charge and gets the pair-up stuff started. That’s our police officer

The teams:

  1. Diffuser and Whip-Snap — This has to be illegal. This is some sort of superteam! By my reckoning these are the two fittest folk on the team, and Diffuser is definitely the alpha male of the squad. The rest are screwed.
  2. Mr. Mitzvah and Hyper-Strike — Who will get on the other’s nerves first?
  3. Basura and Parthenon — The hottest chick in the show teams up with the only homosexual guy? Is there any justice in the world?
  4. Hygena and Ms. Limelight — OK, the contest says one has to run and one has to ride the coaster. I don’t want to say anything bad about these two fine ladies, but this doesn’t bode well.

Well, although these challenges are more interesting than the ones last year, I have to say they remind me more of campground challenges my girlfriend and I come up with for the Sunday school kids than a challenge that belongs on a reality show.

Hygena, Hyper-Strike, Basura, and Diffuser take to the skies! Well, if they can’t fly in real life, this is a close second. I have got to say, I am starting to suspect that this is all an insidious ploy to film as much of Basura’s bazooms as much as possible. I mean, the way she’s squeezed in there… wow.

Basura's got the goods.

Mr. Mitzvah, that old ham, Jewishly tells everyone that he injured his ankle. H-Strike tries to switch places to accomodate the foot, but Mitzvah is too chicken to get on. Fool, a real superhero does not have a fear of rollercoasters!

You big phony!

Ms. Limelight is running out of breath as she joggs around the park. Don’t get me wrong; she’s cute, but she’s not in the best of shape. I knew this wasn’t going to end well. Still, she’s persevering, and I sincerely give her points for that. See what I mean in how she’s more interesting than Cellphone Girl?

Hyper-Strike and Mitzvah have found all four combinations, and H-Strike is rushing to make up for lost time, outpacing his limping partner.

And Whip-Snap is running out of breath too? Aw, she looked pretty fit. It turns out she had asthma. Diffuser thinks they should swap spots, but Whip Snap isn’t up to it. Hygena, on the other hand, is starting to look sick. She REALLY wants that ditzy Limelight to get back at the roller coaster. With much trepidation, Limelight straps into the ride and starts chanting her mantra, “Lights camera action lights camer action lights camera action….”

A bunch of tourists, who are obviously plants, are trying to take pictures of the heroes. Most of the heroes blow by them, rightfully. Basura and Parthenon fall for the eeeevil trap and stop to pose.

Hygena and Limelight end up being very late. They congregate at what looks like the loading dock of Six Flags (which it probably was). Parthenon, who has all four codes, tell them it’s the same number, just in a different order. The doors open and it’s… DR. DARK! Well, him on TV in a cheap IKEA chair. He says he’ll meet the team at the hero lair. Oh, snap, he knows where they live!

THE MOLE

Dr. Dark leaves a note on the hero lair, claiming that someone on the team is working for him. The team takes a sit down and discuss why they are there. Parthenon wants to be a good rolemodel for the gay community; Hygena wants to represent the underdogs; Diffuser wants to do something positive for society. Everyone has a good reason … except for MISTER MITZVAH.

Now, an aside here (and HUGE SPOILERS in case this is your first time reading this blog entry, skip this if you want to still be surprised at the end): Mister Mitzvah fits every category of being a mole. In fact, he was probably a plant by the studio. From what I read online by someone who was close to one of the contestants, Mr. Mitzvah did not go through the typical screening process at the comic conventions. No, Mitzvah was the son of one of the studio heads at NBC-Universal. I have no doubts that all the contestants were aware of that, and as such, he would be the natural suspect if any discussion about a mole arose.

END SPOILERS

Stan says that the team needs to fill out mission reports, kinda like those confessionals on Big Brother. Mitzvah walks off somewhere, furthering fanning suspicions. Diffuser gets the team together to talk about how to deal with the Mitzvah situation.

The Diffuser, trying to diffuse the situation.  (Zing!)

Diffuser, ever the leader, confronts Mitzvah about his caginess. I am starting to suspect that Diffuser won’t win this thing. He’s too much of a good guy to win this thing. I dunno; after Tyveculus got eliminated last year — the most noble of the heroes and the one closest in carrer to Diffuser (fireman) — I think that Stan is looking for someone more cheesy than responsible.

Anyway, Mitzvah reveals that … he’s rich! That’s get everyone off your back, boy howdy. No one should suspect the rich guy of being a mole!

THE SURPRISE FINALE

Mr. Mitzvah, Basura, and Ms. Limelight are standing on the hot squares. This is the third time to be called in front of Stan for Mitzvah and Limelight; Basura is a first time offender. Previous to this, Stan Lee tells everyone that THERE WAS NO MOLE. Wait a minute … are you sure? There’s no way Mitzvah is a real life human being. What real life millionaire who subject themselves to humiliation on a crappy Z-grade gameshow?

Unfortunately, this means Stan can accuse Diffuser of not being trusting of his own teammates since the rumor was started by the evil Dr. Dark, despite Diffuser being a perfect policeman in the situation. (You know Stan’s going to use this as an excue to hang Diffuser when his turn comes to being eliminated.) You know, this doesn’t even make comic book logic. In the comics, when a supervillain says that there’s a traitor on the team, he’s usually on the money.

Anyway, Stan hands out his elimination. I had expected Basura for some reason. After Mindset’s elimination last week, I was worried they were culling all the interesting heroes. But no, I was wrong. The elimination turn out to be everyone’s favorite Jewish millionaire Barry Manilow imitator: Mister Mitzvah.

He doffs the gold Hebrew Armor and … ends up in some white ensemble, which still makes him look like a superhero. Or the latest addition to Boys II Men. I am tempted to request he sing “Copa Cabana.” Anyway, he says something in Hebrew, and off he goes into the darkness.

Oy Vey!

And as the show comes to a close … wait, it’s not over?!?!? There’s another elimination coming up? Did Sci-fi get a hold of the ratings and demanded that this show end soon so they could air their latest Flash Gordon TV show?

Yup, Stan has tasted power and demands another elimination. He calls my man, Hyper-Strike, to the front of the room, citing that since he failed to curb Mr. Mitzvah, he is found wanting as a superhero. Wait … what? Hygena and Ms. Limelight weren’t a barrel of laughs, either, and Hygena is held in the back row like she’s some kind of Superhero pincess. The heroes hold hands in a show of strength. Stand hands out the second elimination…

Ms. Limelight.

I guess that clears the roster of the repeat offenders. There are a lot of tears and hugs. This is a shame; I sorta liked Limey. She might’ve gotten more play if she was more an outright Britney Spears imitator. (“I am Spear Girl! Hit me baby one more time!”) Or, as I said in a previous review, she should’ve really played up the “Lime” part of the name. Fat Momma was throwing doughnuts, and she got all the way to the last episode! Why not the power of throwing limes?

Ironically, as she was leaving the set, Ms. Limelight was struck by a stray bolt of lightning.

She changes out of her white suit with a neon green sash into … a dress that looks pretty much the same except for the texture. Seriously, I’m glad she can keep the costume. It wouldn’t be appropriate for those late boogie nights.

The heroes get back to the lair … and it’s trashed! Their secret identities have been compromised! Who could it be? Is it Creepy Little Brother Man? Is it the Uncanny Janitor? This episode doesn’t end with a shot of gloating supervillain, so we’ll have to find out … NEXT WEEK!

Seriously, it’s probably Dr. Dark again.

Squirrel Girl!

Squirrel Girl says:

“Golly gee, two eliminations? I didn’t see that one coming. No sirree. It was sad to see Mr. Mitzvah go, mainly because I like that Jewish paddle he always carried with him. It makes the perfect Chanukah gift! And, I gotta admit, I teared up something awful when they let Ms. Limelight go. She was the heart and soul of the team. And a fantastic swimmer to boot! To bad she couldn’t run worth a darn.”

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