“Excuse me… did you say name was…?” Grading the Bond girls’ names.

When Alotta Fagina introduces herself in Austin Powers, Austin sorta does a crazy double take. This would probably have been a low-brow gag worthy of … well … worthy of Mike Myers, if not for the fact that, yes, the Bond ladies have had a long, storied legacy of incredibly suggestive names. Some that you wouldn’t have probably thought of at first glance.

So, in honor of Skyfall, here’s a sampling at the best of the best. It’s a opportunity for us to — heh — bond together over our shared loved for glamorous Bond girls and their snicker-worthy names.

Christmas Jones

The Jones family has a long, illustrious history of quirky career choices. Globe spanning archeologist with a minor degree in whipping. Detective working exclusively within the human body. Nuclear physicist. And with that territory comes festive colorful names. Unfortunately, Ms. Jones’ names proved that, without a doubt, the 90’s sucked in Bondian double entendres. “Christmas comes once a year?” Was Daniel Tosh writing your dialogue, Pierce?

What her parents were thinking: I imagine that Christmas was born on December 25th, because why else would she have that name? My brother in law is named “Lovell”, and that’s purely from the fact that he was born on Valentine’s Day. Also they probably thought she’d be a football player or something, like Cadillac Williams, Lawyer Milloy, or BenJarvus Green-Ellis. How were they supposed to know that James Bond would turn it into something unspeakably filthy?

Grade: D+.

Xenia Onatopp

You know, if it weren’t for the tradition, Ms. Onatopp would be a very aspirational name. Say she pursued a career in business management. Just before becoming CEO of Hewlett-Packard, I’m sure the headlines would read, “Xenia Onatopp is on the top of the business world.” Alas, strangling men with her legs was her one true love.

What her parents were thinking: You know, I googled “Onatopp” and Xenia was basically the only thing to show up. So… did her parents change their names on Ellis Island? Were they “Onatoppowitz” or something? My best guess is that her double-entendre of a name came purely from a lack of understanding of the English language.

Grade: C+.

Holly Goodhead

Holly Goodhead ship gets attacked early on by a deep-voiced man in a Grim Reaper outfit. However, she manages to record a distress call before her capture. She leaves the message with two droids, who take an escape pod to the planet Tatooine, where …. Wait. That was Star Wars. I have no idea how I got that mixed up with Moonraker.

What her parents were thinking: You’re pretty much stuck, no matter what, if your surname is Goodhead. Jodie Goodhead? Bad. Gwendolyn Goodhead? Bad. Eleanor Roosevelt Goodhead? Presidential, but still bad. ChaCha.com tells me that it used to mean “an intelligent person.” So it sorta makes sense for a space scientist … in the 16th century. Nowadays, frat boys have made the original definition all but irrelevant.

Grade: B.

Pussy Galore

This is pretty much where it all started, launching thousands of parodies, comedy routines, and for some reason a kid’s movie. Anyway, this is pretty much the brassiest, impossible to ignore names out there. “Honey Rider” may have been slightly wink-wink nudge-nudge. You know, if you were trying to look for it. But “Pussy Galore”? That’s not double entendre. That’s just straight up single entendre.

What her parents were thinking: I’m going to give her parents the benefit of the doubt and assume that this was a code name, not her real name. You know, like her associate, Odd Job. And, since Ms. Galore was of the lesbian persuasion, the name was pretty much a booty call.

Grade: A.

Mary Goodnight

Mary Goodnight appears in The Man With A Golden Gun, and she’s a fellow agent! That’s awesome! Except she’s totally horrible at her job. Not so awesome. If MI-6 had agents like Ms. Goodnight around, it’s no wonder the sun set on the British Empire.

What her parents were thinking: They were thinking that they wanted their daughter to be an awesome superspy in the MI-6. Seriously, look at that name. Why wouldn’t she be a killer secret agent like Joanna Dark or Cate Archer? Unfortunately, poor Mary only wanted to be perfume counter sales clerk, but she didn’t want to disappoint her parents. At least she got her name turned into a Roger Moore quip.

Grade:
C-.

Plenty O’Toole

So… in Diamonds Are Forever, Bond makes a quip that she might have been named after her father. Why would he say that? Is he suggesting that this lady with bodacious bazooms might be a tranny? Not much of a pick-up line… though it does work. That’s why Bond is Bond. Though I like to imagine that Ms. O’Toole was actually the daughter of the also suggestively named Peter O’Toole.

What her parents were thinking: But, let’s say that Bond’s on the mark and Plenty was indeed named after her father. That’s an indication that perhaps he was a man who was disappointed in his weak willed sons (named, maybe, Lacking O’Toole and Flaccid O’Toole). When Plenty was born, he declared, “Faith and begorrah, that’s it! Finally, a strong-willed daughter who can take over me family business! She’ll be the one ta carry on me name! Saints be praised!” And then he did a jig while smoking a pipe. Cuz he’s Irish.

Grade: B.

Anya Amasova

Clutch my monocle! How unspeakably filthy! What in the world were the Broccoli’s thinking, that such a suggestive name could ever make it in a Bond movie! I mean, I know we’ve already had Pussy Galore and Plenty O’Toole… but Anya Amasova?

… Wait, hold on. I mean Agent “Triple X.”

What the KGB was thinking: But, really. The Soviets had a sexy lady spy. And their first instinct was to give her a name that sounds like it belongs in a James Bond porn parody. I think this was intentional, too. General Gogol, you are a chauvinist pig. Though, to be fair, she is a lot easier on the eyes than Vin Diesel. (My sister in law, a fan of the Big Deez, would probably disagree with me.)

Grade: B-.

Octopussy

Her symbol is a cat face with eight tentacles coming out of it.

Yeah… riggggghhhhhttttt.

What her parents were thinking: Like George Foreman, I imagine Octopussy’s family consists of eight daughters, all named Pussy. To differentiate, they all had prefixes. Monopussy, Bipussy, Tripussy, Tetrapussy, and so on and so forth. Tripussy incidentally was always getting hit on in college, and she had no idea why.

Grade: B+.

About these ads

9 thoughts on ““Excuse me… did you say name was…?” Grading the Bond girls’ names.

  1. Sorry that it took me so long to get over to this one and comment.

    This is an absolutely classic post. Hysterical. Seriously contained several laugh out loud lines. :D

    Fun, fun post man. Super enjoyable. A total treat for a Bond fan.

    1. Thanks! I guess I have to thank Denise Richards, since I started with “Christmas Jones” and started to think, “OK, with that out of the way, how horribly suggestive can the names of all the Bond girls get?”

  2. What we need is a contest to come up with the most outrageous Bond girl name we can, but it still has to be something someone could use as a name. So no “Penis Goodlicking” but maybe “Happy Banger”.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s